


Panic

by Rosie_Rues



Series: The Rising Storm [33]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1995, Community: dogdaysofsummer, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-06
Updated: 2006-07-06
Packaged: 2017-10-22 19:19:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosie_Rues/pseuds/Rosie_Rues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A shabby B'n'B in Carlisle, July 1995.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Panic

“I’m going for a walk,” Sirius said suddenly. He had been sitting under the window for hours, knees hunched and shoulders tight.

Remus, who had just finished undoing his shirt, bit back a sigh and pushed himself up from the thin mattress. “Let me find my shoes.”

Although the window was open as far as it would go, no breeze had come through to stir Sirius’ hair. Remus had tried to talk to him, with no response, and then tried to read, watching him over the top of his book.

“You don’t need to come.” He launched to his feet, stumbling.

“Yes, I do,” said Remus, stomach clenching as he took in the shudders as Sirius moved, the tautness of his cheeks, the wide, lost eyes. Not again, please, not again. He just wanted to sleep tonight.

“I don’t want you to come. I just want to walk.”

“You can’t wander round on your own,” Remus said, pushing his hair back from his forehead and squinting across the dim room. “You’ll get picked up as a stray.”

“Wasn’t going as Padfoot.”

He was sidling towards the door, not meeting Remus’ gaze, so Remus said, keeping his tone light, “ _Accio_ shoes!”

They crashed down beside him, and Sirius went for the door. Remus took two long strides after him and grabbed his arm. Sirius shoved him backwards, so he crashed into the dressing table, sending the glass lampshade to the floor. He shoved off, gasping for breathe, and threw himself low.

He hit Sirius’ legs as he got the door open, and brought him down hard. Sirius, who would have won such a fight fifteen years before, struggled vainly, his rough fingers prying at Remus’ wrists. Remus sat square on his legs, and tried not to remember this had always been Peter’s strategy, back in the days when the four of them rambled around the halls in a single, fractious mass.

He reached out to push the door shut, wincing as his back throbbed, and said, “Sirius. The Muggles are looking for you, too. You can’t go out.”

“Let me out,” Sirius gasped. “I don’t fucking care. Have to get out of this room.”

“We’ll get out tomorrow. We’re going to Grasmere to find Emmy, remember?”

“I have to get out. Let me out, Remus. Let go. Let me out.” His breathing was coming faster, and Remus rubbed at his shoulders helplessly.

“Sirius,” he said. “Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.”

“Let me out. Please, please, please.” He was panting now, eyes screwed closed.

“I can’t,” Remus said. “Sirius, you can’t. You’ll get caught.”

“Don’t care. Going – going happen anyway. Out. Let me out.”

“You _won’t_ get caught,” Remus said, as fiercely as he could, and pressed down on his shoulders. “I won’t let them.”

“Going to catch me, Moony. Going to take me back. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all because I’m no fucking use.” He reared up again.

Remus shoved him down hard enough that his head thumped against the ratty carpet.

“Sorry,” Remus said, and Sirius bared his teeth at him, eyes still closed. Remus cupped his cheek in apology and felt him twitch away. “I need you. Harry needs you. Breathe, man.”

“Am breathing.”

“Then do it slowly.” He went back to rubbing circles on Sirius’ chest, feeling every breath that shuddered under his skin. His palms caught on bones, pressed too close to the skin. Sirius’ shoulders had curled forward, so he pressed them down as his breaths slowed from gasps to shudders. He eased a button open, but Sirius gasped, “Don’t!”

“Sorry,” Remus murmured. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. Stay with me.”

“Don’t want to die inside, Moony.”

“You’re not going to die. Not you. You’re better than them. Just be sensible. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

Sirius choked out a laugh, lips curling up. “Never was sensible.”

“Then listen to me. I’ll be sensible for you.”

That got him another shaky laugh, and Remus bent down to kiss him. Sirius turned his face away.

“I’m okay.”

Remus knew he was lying, but hummed in agreement anyway.

“Really okay.”

“You’re a miracle,” Remus said lightly, though he meant it.

Sirius opened his eyes. “Can I have a glass of water, then?”

“Of course,” Remus said, and stroked his cheek again, fixing his smile in place as Sirius flinched. He scrambled off, wincing as his back complained again. “Sit up.”

“Did I hurt you?” Sirius demanded, eyes widening. “Moony.”

“No,” Remus lied. “I’m fine. Sit up.”

Sirius pushed himself against the wall, bringing his knees up again. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness, his skull showing through his skin. Remus hobbled over to switch the light on, and then went into the adjoining bathroom. He had to wipe the dusty glass with a bit of loo paper, but it gave him time to catch his breath.

As he filled it he stared at his reflection, heavy-eyed and grey. They had been young and full of promise once. Even he had had those cherished, unexpected days of glory.

 _What happened to us, Padfoot?_ he thought. _When did we break?_

He turned the tap off just in time to hear the click of the door easing shut.

 _Shit._

Sirius was gone. He grabbed for his shoes, hands shaking, and had to stop to drop his face into his hands. Shit. When had he started being stupid?

He was almost tempted to stay here, to let him go. He was so fucking tired. There were more nights like this than not, and nothing he did seemed to help. He’d known that lost boy was gone for good, but he kept seeing the ghost of him in the broken man. Sirius could still laugh, on good days, could still crackle with energy and good humour, and it made the bad days worse, because he couldn’t even pretend that this was a stranger that needed his care.

He was Sirius, and he was back, when Remus had thought that he was gone forever, that he had never even existed. He would not let him go.

If Sirius was lost, it was his task to find him.

Quietly, Remus tucked his wand into his pocket and went out into the humid night. He wouldn’t give up. Not this time, not yet.


End file.
